Lamer's Lacklustre Life

동경

우린 서로 너무도 다른 세상에 살아왔죠 한번 스쳐 지났을 뿐
그 후로 난 멀리서 이렇게 기다려왔죠 언젠가는 내 헛된 꿈이 혹 이뤄질까

날 기억이나 할까요 내 이름조차 생각이나 날까요
누군가 매일 그대를 위해 늘 기도해온 걸 알까요

그대가 난 부럽죠 나 같은 사람 너무나 흔하겠죠
혹시나 그대 알고 있나요 얼마나 행복한 사람인지

아껴왔던 내 맘이 흔하게 묻혀질까봐 단 한번도 편지조차 못했는데

날 기억이나 할까요 내 이름조차 생각이나 날까요
그대는 이미 누군가에게 큰 의미라는 걸 알까요

그대를 사랑해요 나도 모르게 이렇게 돼 버렸죠
혹시나 그대 알고 있나요 그 날 이후로 지금까지

매일 그대의 곁에서 맴돌았다는 걸 그대를 지켜왔었다는 걸

날 사랑하면 안돼요 단 하루라도 그럴 수는 없나요
허튼 생각이란 거 알지만 한번은 말하고 싶었죠

사랑해도 되나요 혼자서라도 사랑하면 안돼요
허튼 생각이란거 알지만 한번은 말하고 싶었죠 그대를 사랑해요

 

 “Paradise is not a place but a longing that lies in one’s heart. A heart that longs for a better place; where 
one sees only what he or she wants to see. And you know what? This place is a lonely one because no 
two persons will imagine this place in the same way. You are on your own. Welcome to 
paradise, YOUR paradise.”

A hearty laughter. Always around. 

Perhaps always not.

A wink or an acknowledging greeting

Nearly near but far.

Verbal exchanges.

An instantaneous warmth and glow

Intertwined with minutes of joy but an eon’s period of sorrow

Seems so short, diminutive and minuscule in the eyes and company of others

For others is plentiful and effortless –relatively.

But never underestimate relatively.

Makes a world of difference.

Intense relativity it is.

Too intense.

.

And a rude reminder

Inserted unexpectedly

Yet it should and ought to be expected.

Tearing away self-enclosed denial and fantasies.

It’s what it does.

Revealing wounds that refused to heal

Remission – at its best, it is.

Yet, not all is lost

At least one dared hope.

That it is still maturing.

Maturing it in a matured way?

Seems ironic.

Till this relativity closes it grip

And equilibrium of happiness and sadness is finally earned.

May such endeavors prove fruitful.

To ease the mind and soul.

And sanity.

Beautiful music. so far i havent meet someone who likes this piece of music too. Anyone?

A: So why are you here?

 
B: Because I avoided and denied the existence of a place but I realized that it’s impossible. Naivety and stupidity on my part I must say.

A So you are searching in this place now?

B: This place, as in here or the place that I’m searching for?

A: Is there a difference?

 
B: I’m not sure. Maybe it’s the same place. I guess that you are right.

A: I did not say that.

B: Maybe not.

A: You are contradicting yourself. You must not harbor such precarious thoughts Stales the mind, eats the heart and drains the soul.

B: Sorry.

A: to whom? Why are you sorry? There’s nothing to be sorry about. Let’s not digress.

So how’s your search?

B: I think I found it, at least a glimpse of it.

A: And?

B: Not an “and” but a “but” I guess. I did not know where it was.

A: So you found the place but you do not know where it was?

B Yes. The last time I saw it…. It was gone before I could count to ten.

A: So this place is temporal?

B I thought it was physical, you know, when the conditions are right. But I guess all physical things are made up of temporal processes. You know like how different rearrangements of atoms and molecules can give rise to different physical entities?

A: So you are into science now?

B: Not really. That was just an analogy. Yah so I guess that a physical thing looks the same as long as the temporal processes that sustained are there and are in balance. Extended temporal processes- that’s what I call them.

A : So you want to extent it? This place you are talking about.

B: I’m not sure. I guess so. But it might not exist in the first place, at least not the way I imagined it to be. And I still avoid it.

A You are doing this contradiction game again.

B: Sorry.

A: We have already discussed this earlier, haven’t we?

B: Sorry. I meant I’m not. Yah, I’m searching for it.

A: You sure?

B: We are all searching for it right?

A: We?

B: You mean I’m the only one? I meant a place is only a place when people come into consensus that it exist?

A: Is that right?

B: You mean it’s all in my mind and mine alone? A self manifested idea or wistful thinking? Or that I’m a loner in this search?

A I didn’t say that.

B: You aren’t helping much aren’t you?

A: Help? Is that what you want? Is that your aim?

B: I’m not sure.

A You aren’t making sense.

B Sorry.

A Again? You are really incorrigible, aren’t you? So what’s your plan now?

B: I don’t think that I can plan now when there’s no plan that I can plan on.

A: You know what I meant.

B: Yah, the search is on I guess. But I’m lost.

A: Lost? But you have to be in a place to be lost? You are not even sure whether the place exist. Lost? I don’t think that was what you meant.

B: Maybe this helps to explain the fact that the place I’m at right now is not the place I’m searching for? I’m not lost here as I’m talking to you right now. I think.

A: I see. So you think that this a place? Right here.

B: Since you said that one needs to be in a place in order to be lost? If everything is not in place then it’s not a place I guess. By method of elimination, “this place” that you were talking about at the beginning should be here since the existence of the other “place” I’m searching for has not been verified yet. And secondly, here, it’s temporal since time passes by as I talked with you which shows that here is a place. So the “this place” in your question earlier can only meant here.

A: So it’s physical? Here, in this place, according to your argument.

B Physical?

A: You were saying that all things are temporal and appear to be physical as long as the so-called temporal processes are in place?

B: Did I? Maybe I was wrong.

A: You are confusing me. If that is the case, I’ll bet you don’t even know whether the so-called place you are searching for is a physical or temporal one. Not to mention that you do not know whether it exist. Yet, you are searching and being “lost” in the process?

B: And avoiding it too.

A: Yes. And avoiding it? Totally illogical. I give up on you.

B: Sorry.

A: ………

B: I meant I’m sorry that I’m sorry .That I'm sorry for saying sorry when I'm not supposed to feel sorry

A ………

B You hear me?

A ………………..

B You there?

A:…….

B Can I have a response?

A………

B: Please?

A: ……………..

B: Where are you?

A snowman in spring. Barely.

A stringless violin. 

A pen without ink.

Glasses with cracked lenses.

A chopstick.

A car without engine.

A moth. 

Sees fire. 

Intoxication. 

Teetering between eternal longing and death:

Cake dilemma? Even that is wishful thinking!

Unattainable, unreachable. 

It was never meant to be.

A songbird, derived of its voice,

Looks gravely at others sing

- Songs of friendship, love, family.

Envious.

Alone.

Life’s imperfections.